Why I Walk

I've spent the last few days working like crazy, exhausted and now a little sick. And I still haven't quite hit the halfway point of my week. But that's not important. Its easy to get caught up in everything you're doing and forgetting to focus on the reason. I work because I like what I do and I enjoy being part of the working world. And Yes, I work on the Walk to End Alzheimer's but that's not Why I Walk. It's not the reason why I've made sure I've walked the distance at the three smaller borough walks (Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens) even if I had to wait until everyone else had gone home to do so. And it's not why I'll complete the Walk to End Alzheimer's in Riverside Park, even if my day will start at 4:45am and end who knows when.

This is Why I Walk

I walk because Alzheimer's is an evil disease that steals a person from themselves and loved ones.
I walk because I need to Take Action.
I walk for the Woman at the Bronx Walk with a the broken arm who still made her way to walk in support of her mother.
I walk for the Family at the Brooklyn Walk who came out 20 people strong to honor their once strong patriarch.
I walk for the man from Rhode Island who came to the Queens Walk because he lost his 60 year old sister to early onset Alzheimer's.
I walk for the woman I hugged today after she told me tearfully that she was determined to Walk for her grandmother this Sunday... unless her grandma passed away from the final stage of this disease in upcoming days.
I walk for every person who has lost a loved one to Alzheimer's because I know that grief started years before the actual death.

I walk for my Grandmother.
I walk because I hate that this disease may forever cloud my memories of this woman who helped raise me.

I walk because this woman who always took such pride in me has occasionally looked at me with active dislike and distrust.  
I walk because I'm tired of Alzheimer's disease stealing my sleep and my ability to be care or guilt free.
I walk because I'm scared of seeing and being close to this disease ever again: in my friends, family or Myself.
I walk because when I say the Serenity Prayer in my head as a personal mantra, I know walking is what I must do.

I cannot change the disease, its course or its impact. But I can hopefully change the awareness of my friends and help support the Association trying to help all those impacted. If you can, please donate to my Walk page and help support all the reasons why I've walked around a field in the Bronx, on a boardwalk in Brooklyn, at the site of the old World's Fair in Queens and this Saturday along a river in Manhattan. You can donate here. Thanks.

Isn't he lovely?

I have a new nephew!!! Yay! As there's a good chance I'll give up my last name upon marriage (unless I'm famous or his last name sucks), its always good to know the ole Dulciña moniker will fight on. Actually there were no doubts, there's a whole bunch of menfolk with my last name running around. But still I love the lil bit and his (first) face. But here's my conflict. I'm feeling a little guilty. Like maybe I didn't participate in enough pomp and circumstance in readiness for his arrival.

To be clear, my brother made the choice of going big or going home when he and his wife decided on expanding the fam. With newbie nephew, they now have three under the age of five. And all three of them are literally some of my favorite people on the planet. I'm not even kidding. I probably like them more than you. How do I know that? They can't read yet, and I like them a lot. So by process of elimination...  you can read so you probably lose. But for you to understand my guilt, here is some guidance on the difference in preparation for my first niece (The TrailBrazer) vs newbie nephew (Rookie Hotshot). And just because my middle nephew needs a name too, I'm gonna call him The Muscle


BABY GIFTS
The TrailBrazer
I was really excited when I first heard about the Trailblazer. And when I say really excited, I mean I started buying non gender specific baby stuff THE NEXT DAY. During the nine months (well really six, my brother is old school about sharing until after the first trimester) I kept buying things. I legitimately decided that I was going to provide her with all her themed holiday clothes and items for her first year. When she was eventually born in September, I had put together a baby shower gift bag that looked like Hallmark & Party City had decided to have a love child. I bought, and this is from memory so I'm probably leaving things out:
-Halloween outfit and maybe pumpkin doll?
-A stuffed turkey
-Baby first Christmas wearable blanket & toy
-Valentine's Day red outfit
-I think I skipped St. Patricks Day but I wouldn't swear by it.
-I certainly had an easter bunny in there
-And a stars & stripes outfit for 4th of july

I was ridiculous. More so than normal. (By the way, I am a fantastic gift giver and almost incapable of purchasing just one present for any occasion. So, you should want to be my friend and invite me to your parties. I also exclusively give cash for weddings. All in all, I'm a perfect guest)
Oh, and a Diaper Cake involved.

The Muscle
He was the first boy so I did go out and buy any number of things for him as well, but not to the ridiculous level of before. There was no theme.

Rookie Hotshot
I didn't even buy a onesie. I think I bought a rattle and some soft blocks just because I felt empty handed. Also, all the children have back to back summer birthdays in July, August & September. So there was already huge quantities of toys and clothes taking over my brother's household by the time the littlest one was born.

THE ENTRY - Here is where the differences really show.
The Trailblazer
I was working for a different company at the time who had sent me to India for an assignment. I scheduled my entire trip around the expected due date. Still yet, the trailblazer was born while I was crossing back over the Atlantic. When I arrived, the great NYC taxi strike had just started. My phone didn't work. I ended up calling our assistant to call a local cab company and then ran after that cab, luggage in tow, as he drove past me twice. Upon arriving home after my 19 hour flight, I changed my shirt, took my car keys and immediately went out looking for balloons, flowers and a card. I then drove to pick up food at the new parent's request about 15 minutes in the opposite direction in Queens, drove to pick up my mother and aunt from their jobs in the city and went straight up to the hospital. I came home the night, and passed out as I never had before.

Fast forward to the Rookie Hotshot
This delivery was scheduled so we knew when it was going to happen. My brother and sister in law went into the hospital, while I waited for updates via text. Instead of heading up to the hospital or fretting with my brother or even sitting at home and marveling in the joy of the new arrival, I went to see the last Harry Potter movie in IMAX 3D. I mean, come on, I bought these tickets months ago. I also turned off my phone while in the theater. I teared up during the movie. When I eventually returned my brother's call, I said the typical yay and congrats and then gave him my review of the movie. The next day, all my conversations went something along the lines of "OMG Harry Potter was so great. I'm so sad its done.. blah blah...hermione and ron... blah blah... hogwarts... blah blah... the books are so great... blah blah... Oh yeah, my brother had his baby last night too!"

So, of course a couple of days later I start overanalyzing and feeling bad. I mean where had the excitement and over the topness gone? Does this make me a bad aunt? I keep mulling it over and over in my head until...

THE GREETING
The Trailblazer
I love this little girl. She's clearly a ringleader and when you walk in, she has no problem telling you exactly where you are in her game and the best way to join. She may also be a lil smarter than me already. Honest to G-d truth, her sense of direction at 4 is better than mine will ever be.

The Muscle
He always has a smile immediately ready for me and oh goodness, that face is going to destroy some girls' hearts in the future. And at 2 he always has more and more to say. I enjoy them so much at this age.

And finally, The Rookie Trailblazer
Just Love. Doing nothing but being, I could literally feel my heart grow a little bigger to carve out that part of my heart that will always belong to him. Just like the first two did.

Hey little guy, welcome to permanent membership in the little group of my favorite people in the world.
Well played.

Walk to End Alzheimer's - The evolution of a Solicitation/Plea 2009

I'm getting ready to do my third Walk to End Alzheimer's this year. I like to take a look back at my original emails every year to see where my head was at when I wrote them. Its also interesting to see the things I focus on and my own sense of how important things were then vs my relative acceptance of things now. The thing that sticks out most to me in this email is my relative peace with and curiosity  about the disease. Two        years later, I admire that woman who wrote this letter and sometimes even envy her a bit. If you want to donate this year, click here.


-Dulciña

EMAIL DATED SEPTEMBER 26th, 2009
Hey Guys,

You guessed it. This is me asking you guys to donate to a cause again. I'll be doing the Memory Walk for Alzheimer's on October 25th. It would be great if you guys would consider giving to the cause. Here's my page http://MW2009nyc.kintera.org

As many of you know, I've been back at home living with my family for the past year and not working for a significant portion of it. What you may not know is that this means that I am back living with my grandmother who during the time I had moved out was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. This has afforded me the unique opportunity to observe the progression of the disease on a day to day basis while also becoming a secondary caregiver to my grandmother.

There's no easy way to describe what I've seen and felt for the past year. I'll highlight for those who may be interested just a few things that immediately pop to mind as interesting observation/things you may not know/ random stuff to help you understand what this process has been like for me.

1. People who suffer from Alzheimer's get progressively more paranoid. My grandmother constantly hoards and packs away things she doesn't need "just in case" and when she can not locate them, immediately believes that my mother or I have put them somewhere while she wasn't looking.

2. For the first time, I've heard my grandmother tell tales of her own mother who I never met. This has pushed me to find out more about several of my long dead relatives. I've got to tell you, I've got a much more colorful family history than I ever expected.

3. Guilt and frustration go hand in hand when you're a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer's.

4. Regarding the former, I am significantly more patient than my mother or brother who also live here. I've attributed this to the fact that I majored in psychology in college and therefore knew a little bit more about what I was getting into and also remain morbidly fascinated with the progression of the disease.

5. Deja vu becomes the norm. Not only do Alzheimer's patients repeat themselves, my grandmother (and this may be all patients, I'm not sure) repeats the exact same phrasing when she repeats herself. There are stories she tells over and over, and I can now predict almost EXACTLY what words she's going to use in the exact order whether she told the story this morning or three months ago.

6. I've never been super religious or spiritual, but this past year I've felt more connected to God than I have in previous. I've also started going to church once a month after not having gone, but for special occasions, since i was a child. Interestingly, it's become a bonding experience as I usually take my grandmother (who is very religious but not mobile enough to go to church on her own) and my mother ( whose visits were sparse like my own) with me.

7. As many know, I was quite happily unemployed until a couple of months ago when I got bored and started to get antsy. Now, while I want to start working again, I'm nervous about not being around constantly. At the same time, I'm desperate for personal space. Once I'm in the position again to move out, I'm not sure if I'll be able to. (As an FYI, for those who do not know, I share a room with my grandmother. When I moved out almost three years ago, my grandmother had not been diagnosed. Approximately a week after I moved out, my grandmother had a minor stroke, Several months later she got the diagnosis. This has never sat well with me)

8. My grandmother always knows exactly who I am at the core, but peripherals about me will float away from her occasionally. The other day she asked me if I was pregnant when I came up from Jamaica (she was thinking about my mother who came up here in '81). Every once in a while she'll call me Bibby but know I'm Dulciña, her granddaughter. I let this slide more often than not.

9. Even with everything I've said, my grandmother still remains the woman I have known my entire life. She has stayed in this relatively early stage of Alzheimer's much longer than some people get and I am grateful for that.

Hmm, I never took the time to write down any of my thoughts on this before, and as I do so now, I realize there are a millions things i could write "off the top of my head" so I'll just stop there. For those who read this far, thanks for taking the journey. It would be great if you can find it in your heart (and wallets) to donate. Take care!

Note to Self - Travel Companions

I love (most of) my family members as people. It's possible that I hate (almost) all of them as travel companions.

My (two) big fat Segregated Weddings

So first off, no, I did not get married. Still just little ole me, all single and waiting for Mr. Right. However, a couple of months ago, two of my girlfriends from high school did get married and I was honored to attend both ceremonies.Both of these weddings were on the same weekend, but luckily one was on Saturday and the other on Sunday. In typical fashion, I packed last minute throwing together my cocktail dress, bridesmaid dress, various other social event casual/dressy for "unposed" camera shots day dresses (seriously, why didn't anyone tell me how many of these day to night cocktail/sun dresses I would need to own post college?). And I went on my merry way. 

Apparently, I was still thought about quite actively in my house. As much as my grandmother complains about my general slovenliness, she asks about my (or "Bibby's") whereabouts constantly. My mother answered normally, and often of course, that I was currently attending two weddings. After I had been out of town for a couple of days, my grandma started asking my mom about MY wedding. Imagine my surprise. Hell, imagine my mother's! The recap goes something like this:

Grandma - "It's this the weekend that Dulciña is getting married?"
Mom- "What?! No. Dulciña is attending two weddings this weekend of two of her high school girlfriends."

Fast forward five minutes
Grandma - "Did you get an invitation to Dulciña's wedding?"
Mom- "Mummy, I told you she's not getting married. If she was getting married don't you think we would be there?"
Grandma- "Well you never know with Dulciña."

Later that evening
Grandma- "So Dulciña is having two weddings this weekend?
Mom- "What do you mean?"
Grandma- "Yes, from what I hear she's having two weddings. One for the white people and one for the black people."

A week later at my aunt's house

Grandma- "You know Dulciña got married. Twice. Once for the black people and once for the white people."
Aunt - "Have you met the man? And if Dulciña got married, why would she still be sharing a bedroom with you?"
Grandma- "Well you never know with the young people these days."

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So, I'll be honest. I sorta love that. Maybe it's my sense of the ridiculous. Or the fact that my grandmother often talks about the things black people can do now as if she used to pick cotton (she was a nurse). Also I've had friends asked me blatantly if my grandmother is white (she's not).

I wonder if people do the whole racially segregated wedding thing (apparently some Muslim cultures do gender segregated weddings)? Two weddings, two budgets. A whole lot of politicking. This would also be the perfect playground to showcase every single racial stereotype you carry deep in your ignorant heart. Doesn't that sound like a black history month lifetime movie? Or maybe a Tyler Perry movie (i unreasonably hate that man)? He should get on that. I hear Raven Symone is available.

Note to Self - The Vernacular

I am slowly but surely trying to make the following phrases happen (or I just say them too damn often)


Get Epic - Ex. We can go out for coffee this weekend. OR we can get epic and do bottomless all you can drink brunch followed bya supersoaker water fight in Central Park.

And Yet- Ex. You would think that as a successful, attractive, wealthy well known doctor, he wouldn't feel the need to be posting photos outlining his junk to the masses to try to get dates. And Yet...

To the Google- Ex. "What do you mean there was a Smurf with a tattoo? I don't know about that one... To the Google!"

What about your (girl)FRIENDS?

So first thing. "Oooh on the TLC tip" is an awesome album. It is probably one of the first albums I've ever owned and it was one of the few I would listen to from beginning to end (partially because it was a cassette and that's how we did things back then) But that's not what I'm talking about here.

I have a confession to make. I am a lazy female friend-maker. Don't get me wrong, once we're friends, you're stuck with me, possibly for life. But actually making new friends, I'm awful. But here's the thing. I think all women are.

I've found that the closer I get to the big 3-0, the less I'm willing to go down the "Are you my friend or aren't you" road. If you are, we'll see eye to eye, argue infrequently and laugh often. That's what I'm looking for. Someone who's got my back and makes me smile. And I already have a great set of really fabulous girlfriends. They've been cultivated since elementary school. And adding new friends, specifically new CLOSE friends,  sometimes just seems so tedious. I don't know your schedule, you don't know mine. Are you a coffee shop person? Do you do the whole "Oh the bill was $40? Well my food came up to $16.50 so here's $18.50 to cover tax and tip" thing? Do you exclusively hit on the most "just got out of jail yesterday" hoodrats in club when I'm out with you? ( You would be surprised). These are the things we need to learn about each other to become new good gfs.

So here is my Important "To become my friend" Checklist. All five have to be checked in order to join the ranks of the Dulciña Sisterhood:
1. Can we have a good time together in all formats (ie plays, bars, movies, bookstores, people watching, pole dancing classes, etc.)?
2. Am I willing to hang around you when you're drunk?
3. Will you leave me with that sketchy dude when I'm too.. umm enthusiastic about my spirits to know better? (yes that means happy, "text message to all the boys I've ever known" crazy drunk)
4. If you're gonna be wearing your hook a man/sex & the city dress, will you at least warn me to leave my sneakers at home?
5. When I say a dude broke my heart, will he instantly obtain eunuch status in your mind?



I wonder if it all really comes down to trust and common interests. Could it be as a single woman, I find other single women as competition? A little bit is healthy and I sure hope that's where I'm at. Although all the Newsweek, NY Times and 6 o'clock news purveyors want to tell me I'm unlikely to find a man, a husband, and Hell Nah on the soulmate front and seem to want us at each other's throats. Seriously, news reporters. I. HATE. YOU.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32379727/ns/health-sexual_health/t/marriage-eludes-high-achieving-black-women/
http://www.npr.org/2011/06/29/137499303/author-tells-black-women-marry-out-not-down

But could that really be in the way of me finding myself a few more, honest to goodness, lets drink wine, gab and perhaps a good cry soul sisters? I hope not. So to those ladies I've met recently, who I've vibed it. I mean it when I say lets grab brunch/a drink or whatever. I'm willing to step up my game if you are. It could be .... LEGENDARY.