Asking for help can be powerful

I like being self sufficient. And I'm a Jamaican woman, so for whatever historical reason, I feel like I'm supposed to be hard wired for some significant amount of suffering. Fortunately, I was also a psych major in college. This has convinced me that everyone is crazy and we ALL need to see a therapist at least once a year. Think of it like confession for Catholics.

So when I feel myself getting all extra crazy, I have three main go tos. Nap, whine or run away. Sometimes I do all three. I'm pretty sure that's a skill. This has served me well for most of my years. I have a fantastic cloud like bed, so my napping is always awesome. I have some of the greatest friends in the world, so someone will always take one for the team and listen to me whine. And, I somehow am always able to run away both near (DC) and far (Jamaica) when I need to so I've always been fairly well adjusted. But this Alzheimer's thing has thrown me for a very strong loop.

I feel awkward talking to friends or fam about it because there really isn't some sorta positive answer to "So how's you're grandma?" and lets be honest, no one wants to hear "Well, a little bit worse than last time. And that will always be my answer." So I decided I needed to go somewhere that felt like a safe space. So a month ago, I started attending a Caregiver Support Group. And it helps. We talk about our weeks, the good, the bad and the crazy. We make and give tips and suggestions. We comfort and we talk. But most importantly we understand and empathise. And while, its early yet, I find myself reacting more calmly when things happen. I diffuse rather than ignite. And I adjust my idea of what is winning.

So when Grandma starts packing things in suitcases and bags, I don't flip out or ask too many questions. I've decided that as long as its before midnight, I will let it ride because ultimately its not worth the fight. My priority is making sure she gets to bed at midnight and that she doesn't hurt herself. At least she's occupied.

And when she wakes up in the middle of the night asking where we are and saying that everything looks unfamiliar, I just answer "Well we're at home and its the middle of the night. Maybe, come daylight, it will look more familiar." And if she goes back to bed without freaking out, that's success for me.

I'll take it.

Thanks to my support group for helping me get to this healthier place for myself and I hope for my Grandma.